"Do you want to slowly get rid of your 9-volt batteries? Then buy this circle." Ģ45. I got a fire alarm at home, but really it's more like a 9-volt battery slowly drainer. You know why? Because that's the maximum amount of time you can depict yourself having fun in an above ground pool. I saw a commercial for an above ground pool, it was 30 seconds long. I need to buy a safe that looks like a Coca-Cola can." Ģ47. I walked by a spy shop, you know those places that sell surveillance equipment? Every time I walk by a spy shop I think "I need to put some surveillance on somebody. We were trying to raise money to buy one of those machines that shows how much money has been raised.Ģ48. Dogs are forever in the pushup position.Ģ49. You know how badly I want to sleep on the wall. I was gonna stay overnight at my friends place, he said "You're gonna have to sleep on the floor.". But it's like the only disease you can get yelled at for having. I didn't go to college, but if I did, I would have taken all my tests at a restaurant, because the customer is always right.Ģ52. "Hello, can I have a bowl of chicken noodle. So when I'm in the South, I try to talk like that, so people understand me. When I play the South, they say "y'all" in the South. "How'd I get up here, god damnit?! I guess I have to slide down." Ģ55. So if I end up at the top of a slide, I have to act like I got there accidentally. As an adult, I'm not supposed to go down slides. My manager's cool, he gets concerned, he says, "Mitch, don't use liquor as a crutch." I can't use liquor as a crutch. Man, remember that movie The Outsiders and one of the guys name was "Soda Pop", and at the time it was cool?. If I was in the ocean, I would not be a gambler on the horse races. Don't fall asleep, I will tip you over." Ģ60. I was at a restaurant, I saw a guy wearing a leather jacket at the same time he was eating a hamburger and drinking a glass of milk. Dude, I don't think I can ride with you." Ģ61. Like, if someone gets on and presses 3, I'm like "You're on three? Hahahaha. When I'm on my hotel elevator, I like to pretend that someone else's floor is wrong. It's like, it's clean now, let me fuck it back up.Ģ62. You wash your hair and then you put gel in it. I told the crowd last night to fuck off, but then I felt bad, so I said "All right, fuck back on."Ģ63. the shit disappeared! It was so fuckin' pure.Ģ64. You know that show "My Three Sons"? That'd be funny if it was called "My One Dad".Ģ65. That would suck if you became a priest and the day came where you had to fight the devil, you'd be like "Shit, I didn't think that was for real!"Ģ66. Man, when I put Listerine in my mouth, I'm fuckin' angry. I could have told you I had an even number of petals!" Ģ68. I saw a lady with a flower, she was plucking out the petals, she was saying "he loves me, he loves me not." Thank god the flower can't talk, what would it say? "Fuck that hurts. I don't know if you have a doorknob on the other side, but over here there's nothing. I'd say, "Go around! I cannot open the wall. So when he knocked on the wall, I'd mess with his head. And that made me angry, cause I like loud music. And whenever he would knock on my wall, I knew he wanted me to turn my music down. I used to live here in Los Angeles, on Sierra Bonita, and I had an apartment, and I had a neighbor. Because of acid, I now know that butter is way better than margarine. Acid opened up my mind, it expanded my mind. It's like, "Fuck you, I ain't going that way, line with two thirds of a triangle on the end!"Ģ71. They try to tell me which direction to go. I had a job interview at an insurance company once and the lady said "Where do you see yourself in five years?" I said "Celebrating the fifth year anniversary of you asking me this question."Ģ72. And it says right on the bottle "Do not have more than two." Well then do not put a candy coating around it.Ģ73. From an outsider's point of view, it looks like I've got it all wrong.Ģ74. When I get on a plane, I stuff the power cord for the boom box into the battery compartment.
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